Home Sweet Home

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed of my old home again–a place that I had lived for 20 years.

After I came to Canada, I almost only dream of that home. Even all new things and new people happened elsewhere would appear inside that tiny home (sweet home).

I do have a special feeling towards that home. After all, I spent a pretty long time there, and that period of time is the golden time of mine.

People tend to think about the good oldies when they grow older.

These series of dreams is implying that I’m getting older and older each day.

Adjustment

In 2009, I plan to adjust how I see and handle things. For those not directly related to me, I’m not going to care a bit of them. I will try to spend my time to focus on something that is directly related to OR has the potential to affect me.

The phrase “I don’t care” does not mean I accept, however, since it is not related to me, my acceptence is meaningless.

So, start from today, I’m going to try this thinking mode: 1) see if it’s related to me; 2) if yes, then go ahead and take action; if not, then let it go.

It may be hard at the beginning, but I just have to get use to this thinking mode, and I will be fine in the long run.

It’s like…

When I feel negative each time, I remind myself that I really should not write anything bad on my blog, because it will only reminds me about the unhappy things.

Sometimes, I could successfully distract myself and stop writing. Other times, I just wrote.

I think my situation is like a patient waiting for an operation to remove a tumor that gives him/her the most serious pain.

Although the patient knows that he will recover some time in the future after the operation, he somehow cannot resist the pain and he morns.

He couldn’t help.

I couldn’t help, too.

I clearly know that my problem will eventually be solved. And I actually am doing something to solve the problem.

Still, the “pain” just drives me crazy from time to time, on and off.

If everyone has a different capacity of being patient, mine is almost done even though it is larger than many other people.

What keeps me moving then?

I would say faith/hope, and the supports from my family and friends.

I will keep moving! Right! I will keep moving.

Emotion Pattern

I start to realize my emotion pattern.

When something happen, and for which I mind, I would pretend that I don’t mind. When it reaches my limit, I would feel angry/sad, on and off, until my emotion stops at depressed state.

No matter how angry I am, or how sad I am. Depression dominates in the end. I would then retrieve to my lone state, to hear and feel the silence embraces myself.

And at this stage, I miss my family and friends the most, for they can provide me love unconditionally. Tell me that I’m loved without actually saying a word.

I am homeless. Even though I am living in a house, under a roof, I am homeless.

Flight Offer

I was looking at the flight offer that I could pay to visit my family and friends at a very good deal, but I didn’t book anything.

My only struggle is I do not know if I could leave my job for an entire week, and I am speaking two to three months later, April or May. The offer expires next Tuesday, and it is too soon to talk about something that might happen two to three months later. No one can tell, especially in such an economic situation. Honestly, I am scared, although there is no signs for me to scare.

Maybe, maybe I should not look at the bargain tickets, so that it will not put me in a pressure for making a quick decision for the future.